humor

Top 10 Green Excuses

kbutler — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0400

If you’re reading this article, odds are that you’re probably at least a light pale green in your commitment to Mother Earth. (That or you’re a friend or relative I’ve harassed to read my blog – you guys rock!) So in honor of the many shades of green out there, I present a list of top ten green excuses for your every day use.

TOP TEN GREEN EXCUSES

10. “I know I smell, but you couldn’t possibly expect me to shower longer than 1.3 minutes and waste an extra 3.6 gallons of water.”

9. You can’t eat dinner at your mother-in-law’s because you can't be subjected to another helping of her non-organic food/soul-crushing criticism.

8. “Of course I’m tired. I was up all night trying to figure out exactly why Madonna is on the cover of Vanity Fair’s 2008 Green Issue.”

7. “I’m sorry, but attending your son’s Bar Mitzvah/daughter’s confirmation/sister’s wedding will offset my carbon footprint.”

6. When you’re pulled over for speeding, you say, “How about I give you 25 useful facts on solar power to make this whole thing go away? Okay, make it 50.”

5. You walked into that adult sex shop because you thought that sign read “We’re totally organic!”

4. “What do you mean, I can’t set up an industrial wind turbine farm in my front yard? What is this, Communist Russia?”

3. You tackled that distinguished gentleman on the street because you thought he shared Al Gore’s dreamy profile.

2. When you’re mistaken for a homeless woman, you explain you’re just taking “reduce, recycle, and reuse” to the next level.

1. “Oh, like you’ve never tried to run a Hummer off the road!”

Top 10 Green Things to Do While Stuck in Traffic

kbutler — Tue, 06 May 2008 00:00:00 -0400

If you live anywhere in the country where your closest neighbors don’t moo, odds are you deal with traffic. So next time you’re stuck on the freeways contemplating suicide or a move to Alaska, remember these options to pass the time.

TOP 10 GREEN THINGS TO DO WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC

10. Walk up to the guy in front of you and begin an interesting, innovative lecture on the positives of recycling.

9. Lay on your horn and scream out the window “Your emissions are killing me!” See if it helps get things moving.

8. Ask the person driving the vegetable oil-powered Mercedes if the smell makes her crave French fries. Then offer her French fries.

7. Hide under the open car windows of smokers. When they toss their cigarette butts out the window, throw them back.

6. Plow into a Yukon and see if it’s true that they "react" like a tank.

5. Collect road kill for tonight’s dinner. After all, it’s recyclable.

4. Harness a team of trusty street rats to the car. Explain to curious passer-bys that you’re just taking sustainable living to an awesome new level.

3. Ask the person next to you if this is the line for cheap gas.

2. Walk around asking hybrid car owners just how silent is their silent running.

1. Turn the car off, get out and push. You’ll get there faster anyway.

Top 10 Signs You Don’t Have a Green Job

kbutler — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:04:58 -0400

Sure, it is a bad job market out there and some of us are eager for work. But if any of the following sound familiar to you, you might want to reconfigure the resume. Or call Greenpeace to see if they are hiring.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON’T HAVE A GREEN JOB

10. You fall asleep on the job and people in hazmat suits wake you up.

9. Interviewer asks if you can type, get coffee, and resist toxic waste.

8. You’re paid in baby seal pelts.

7. You take a lot of “before” photographs that involved undeveloped land and happy, frolicking wildlife.

6. There’s a sign at the office that reads “EPA Superfund Site.”

5. You discover your boss can cough up tar, and he’s not a smoker.

4. You become convinced that the office plants are glaring at you.

3. Your job description includes the letters “FEMA.”

2. You’re required to screen all visitors for hidden cameras and 20/20's John Quinones.

1. At the end of the day, you glow.

Top 10 Ways to Prevent Global Warming

kbutler — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:13:58 -0400

By now, we all know that global warming could end us all. So what can one person do to save the earth?

TOP TEN WAYS TO PREVENT GLOBAL WARMING

10. Ask the public if they want the concept of “room temperature” to necessitate mandatory string bikinis – for all.

9. You enlist Morgan Freeman to miraculously empower Emperor Penguins to stage a military coup of Antarctica.

8. Reduce methane production by attempting to shame cattle about certain impolite emissions.

7. You lock the kings of oil and several polar bears in a room together and won’t let them out until some earth-positive decisions are made.

6. You reveal a mysterious study proving ice cold showers work better than Botox, thus motivating the city of Los Angeles to turn down its water heaters.

5. You reduce your phantom electricity use by staging an exorcism involving energy-efficient light bulbs and one mightily-annoyed chicken.

4. You motivate real estate magnates to take action by buying up all the future oceanfront property in Iowa.

3. Promise people that you will send all celebutantes straight to the center of the sun if they turn down their thermostats just one degree.

2. Ask people if they really want a world without snow. (Do not do so near or south of the equator.)

1. Point out that Canada will become a land super power. And can we really take that risk?

Want to learn more about global warming?

Top 10 Lesser-Known Myths About Global Warming

New Report: Doubts Grow About Global Warming

Send an Instant Message, Fight Global Warming

Global Warming Cartoons

Jared Leto Pushes Back on Global Warming

Clean, Renewable Energy: The Answer to Global Warming

What You Eat Can Affect Global Warming, New Study Shows

Los Angeles: City of Hikers

kbutler — Tue, 04 Mar 2008 21:51:06 -0500

Los Angeles is an incredible city for hiking. Sure, sometimes you have to deal with smoggy vistas, but we’ve also got days when it’s 75 degrees in February and you can see straight to Catalina Island. We’ve got Angeles National Forest – a thousand acres of pristine wildlife 20 minutes from downtown LA. We’ve got Griffith Park sitting right on top of Hollywood, with 53 hiking trails threading through it. And canyons, canyons, we’ve got canyons – Fryman Canyon, Beachwood Canyon, Topanga Canyon.

And then there’s Runyon Canyon. Smack in the middle of the Hollywood Hills, Runyon is so cool that star tours would happily jam their buses up the fire road if the city would let them. This trail is filled with LA hikers eager to get their green on. So in honor of these committed, eco-folk, I present this top ten salute.

You Know You’re Hiking Runyon Canyon When:

10. You bring 40 plastic bags to put in the reusable dog-bag containers and find that 10 people have already filled it ahead of you.

9. You decide to take the “long hike” in regular sneakers and not industrial spiked togs. And you regret nothing as you fall head over heels down the front wall.

8. You spot so many celebrities on the trail that you begin to wonder where the cameras are. Then you notice several cameras shooting the trial.

7. You see most people picking up after their dogs. Then you dive out of the way while a Great Dane treats the trail like a sewage plant.

6. You watch a group decide to explore a nearly 90-degree chasm off the trail.

5. You watch the group shriek in terror as they realize they can’t climb out of the 90-degree chasm.

4. You watch the LAFD arrive in a helicopter to rappel into the chasm to rescue said group and their huge carbon footprint.

3. You refill your water bottle at one of the pumps and then realize you’re sharing it with a black lab mix.

2. You notice more shirtless man upon shirtless man. Then you notice one of them is Matthew McConaughey. (Props to Runyon hiker Kristin for the sighting!)

1. You can see the Hollywood sign, the Griffith Observatory, Hollywood Blvd, the Valley, and the Pacific Ocean in one Maria Von Trapp spin atop the mountain. And seriously wonder if there’s a city in the country that can beat that view.

Oscar Party Time -- The Day the Red Carpet Turns Green

kbutler — Mon, 25 Feb 2008 00:00:00 -0500

It's that time of year again! No, I'm not talking about the day you get to stash your eco-friendly organic cotton sweater and dance like a wood nymph in Griffith Park. I'm talking about the day we get to rip apart celebrities as they dress like they've never heard the words "You're sure you want to wear a backwards tuxedo?" (Celine Dion, my eye is upon you.) I'm talking Oscar time!

And with Oscar comes one of the biggest Green parties of the year. Global Green, the worldwide environmental organization founded in 1993 by Mikhail Gorbachev, recently held their annual pre-Oscar bash in Los Angeles. Here the industry's greenest (or in come cases, lightly olive) came out to support the organization's 2008 message "Drive Green. Live Green Vote Green." The event raised $420,000, which will benefit the Global Green's climate change initiatives, including the green rebuilding of New Orleans.

Emceed by Bill Maher, celebrities in attendance included Salma Hayek, Oliver Stone, Adrien Grenier, Governor Bill Richardson, Radha Mitchell, Jason Lewis, Tate Donovan, and Norman Lear. Michelle Branch performed, as well as Oscar-nominated (and winners!) artists Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova (the cute, tragic couple from Once).

The party showcased the latest in green vehicles, including the Tesla Roadster electric vehicle. The event also starts Global Green’s Red Carpet/Green Cars campaign, where celebs arrive in fuel-efficient cars. I had hoped the parade of green cars would jazz up this year’s Oscars broadcast, which turned out to be a total snoozefest. (As much as I love me some tall, dark and Javier Bardem, were there any real surprises this year? I had hoped Sean Penn would stage an old school rage fit since his beautiful, eco-themed Into the Wild was essentially ignored. I got your back, Sean!)

Top 10 Confessions of a Greenaholic

kbutler — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 20:19:33 -0500

Sure, everyone can give green issues lip service as they toss their plastic bottles into recycling bins and laugh at the gas-guzzlers paying $60 to fill up at the pump. But what happens when your green issues take over? Can seeing the world through emerald-colored glasses prove to be too much for one person? But fear not! If you identify with any of the following, it’s never too late to seek balance in your eco-commitment.

You know you're a Greenaholic if...

10. You had a teenaged crush on the Jolly Green Giant.

9. You change your outfit three times before an appearance of Al Gore on Dateline.

8. You try to run any car off the road that gets more than 35 miles per gallon.

7. You spend most of the party going through the trash, cutting the plastic six-pack holders.

6. When someone asks you “paper or plastic” you reply “What is this, 1990? Hello, it’s called a re-usable hemp carrier!”

5. You leave copies of “An Inconvenient Truth” under the windshield wipers of Hummers. And then you slash their tires.

4. The trunk of your car is filled with your vintage collection of road-side glass and plastic bottles.

3. When your dog drinks from the toilet, you shrug and say “Well, at least I don’t have to flush.”

2. In trying situations, you ask yourself “What would Leonardo DiCaprio do?”

1. The phrase “It’s not easy being green” brings on tears of painful recognition.