green humor

Top 10 Green Excuses

kbutler — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 00:00:00 -0400

If you’re reading this article, odds are that you’re probably at least a light pale green in your commitment to Mother Earth. (That or you’re a friend or relative I’ve harassed to read my blog – you guys rock!) So in honor of the many shades of green out there, I present a list of top ten green excuses for your every day use.

TOP TEN GREEN EXCUSES

10. “I know I smell, but you couldn’t possibly expect me to shower longer than 1.3 minutes and waste an extra 3.6 gallons of water.”

9. You can’t eat dinner at your mother-in-law’s because you can't be subjected to another helping of her non-organic food/soul-crushing criticism.

8. “Of course I’m tired. I was up all night trying to figure out exactly why Madonna is on the cover of Vanity Fair’s 2008 Green Issue.”

7. “I’m sorry, but attending your son’s Bar Mitzvah/daughter’s confirmation/sister’s wedding will offset my carbon footprint.”

6. When you’re pulled over for speeding, you say, “How about I give you 25 useful facts on solar power to make this whole thing go away? Okay, make it 50.”

5. You walked into that adult sex shop because you thought that sign read “We’re totally organic!”

4. “What do you mean, I can’t set up an industrial wind turbine farm in my front yard? What is this, Communist Russia?”

3. You tackled that distinguished gentleman on the street because you thought he shared Al Gore’s dreamy profile.

2. When you’re mistaken for a homeless woman, you explain you’re just taking “reduce, recycle, and reuse” to the next level.

1. “Oh, like you’ve never tried to run a Hummer off the road!”

Top 10 Green Things to Do While Stuck in Traffic

kbutler — Tue, 06 May 2008 00:00:00 -0400

If you live anywhere in the country where your closest neighbors don’t moo, odds are you deal with traffic. So next time you’re stuck on the freeways contemplating suicide or a move to Alaska, remember these options to pass the time.

TOP 10 GREEN THINGS TO DO WHILE STUCK IN TRAFFIC

10. Walk up to the guy in front of you and begin an interesting, innovative lecture on the positives of recycling.

9. Lay on your horn and scream out the window “Your emissions are killing me!” See if it helps get things moving.

8. Ask the person driving the vegetable oil-powered Mercedes if the smell makes her crave French fries. Then offer her French fries.

7. Hide under the open car windows of smokers. When they toss their cigarette butts out the window, throw them back.

6. Plow into a Yukon and see if it’s true that they "react" like a tank.

5. Collect road kill for tonight’s dinner. After all, it’s recyclable.

4. Harness a team of trusty street rats to the car. Explain to curious passer-bys that you’re just taking sustainable living to an awesome new level.

3. Ask the person next to you if this is the line for cheap gas.

2. Walk around asking hybrid car owners just how silent is their silent running.

1. Turn the car off, get out and push. You’ll get there faster anyway.

Top 10 Signs You’re Not Running a Green Campaign

kbutler — Thu, 01 May 2008 00:00:00 -0400

In this workaday world, it’s hard to please all voters on all issues. And green candidates have their work cut out for them. The following is a tell-tale list of signs that might make green voters reconsider their options.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU’RE NOT RUNNING A GREEN CAMPAIGN

10. Your slogan is: “Trees are lame.”

9. You’ve pledged a bigger, better, smokier Industrial Revolution for America.

8. Your only endorsement is from a former director of FEMA.

7. You say things like “We’re good. It’s not like there really is a Mother Earth.”

6. The only people who have heard of you live on Superfund sites.

5. You’ve made the Nature Conservancy very upset. And you don’t want to see the Nature Conservancy very upset.

4. You have to ask your spouse to stand beside you when 60 Minutes discovers a cache of whale oil, several endangered pandas, and billions of dollars from an oil company buried in your back yard.

3. In the debates, you ignored all questions with the words “save” “the” and “earth” in them.

2. Your campaign promises to show the positives of global warming. “After all, who really likes winter?”

1. Your plan for economic recovery makes people glow.

Want to learn more about Eco-Politics?

Check Out Obama’s Global Warming Plan

See What McCain Will Do About Climate Change

Hillary Clinton on the Environment

New Report: Doubts Grow About Global Warming

There’s More Than One Way to Hug a Tree

Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall… Who’s the Greenest President of Them All?

Top 10 Signs You Don’t Have a Green Job

kbutler — Thu, 24 Apr 2008 13:04:58 -0400

Sure, it is a bad job market out there and some of us are eager for work. But if any of the following sound familiar to you, you might want to reconfigure the resume. Or call Greenpeace to see if they are hiring.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU DON’T HAVE A GREEN JOB

10. You fall asleep on the job and people in hazmat suits wake you up.

9. Interviewer asks if you can type, get coffee, and resist toxic waste.

8. You’re paid in baby seal pelts.

7. You take a lot of “before” photographs that involved undeveloped land and happy, frolicking wildlife.

6. There’s a sign at the office that reads “EPA Superfund Site.”

5. You discover your boss can cough up tar, and he’s not a smoker.

4. You become convinced that the office plants are glaring at you.

3. Your job description includes the letters “FEMA.”

2. You’re required to screen all visitors for hidden cameras and 20/20's John Quinones.

1. At the end of the day, you glow.

Top 10 Ways to Prevent Global Warming

kbutler — Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:13:58 -0400

By now, we all know that global warming could end us all. So what can one person do to save the earth?

TOP TEN WAYS TO PREVENT GLOBAL WARMING

10. Ask the public if they want the concept of “room temperature” to necessitate mandatory string bikinis – for all.

9. You enlist Morgan Freeman to miraculously empower Emperor Penguins to stage a military coup of Antarctica.

8. Reduce methane production by attempting to shame cattle about certain impolite emissions.

7. You lock the kings of oil and several polar bears in a room together and won’t let them out until some earth-positive decisions are made.

6. You reveal a mysterious study proving ice cold showers work better than Botox, thus motivating the city of Los Angeles to turn down its water heaters.

5. You reduce your phantom electricity use by staging an exorcism involving energy-efficient light bulbs and one mightily-annoyed chicken.

4. You motivate real estate magnates to take action by buying up all the future oceanfront property in Iowa.

3. Promise people that you will send all celebutantes straight to the center of the sun if they turn down their thermostats just one degree.

2. Ask people if they really want a world without snow. (Do not do so near or south of the equator.)

1. Point out that Canada will become a land super power. And can we really take that risk?

Want to learn more about global warming?

Top 10 Lesser-Known Myths About Global Warming

New Report: Doubts Grow About Global Warming

Send an Instant Message, Fight Global Warming

Global Warming Cartoons

Jared Leto Pushes Back on Global Warming

Clean, Renewable Energy: The Answer to Global Warming

What You Eat Can Affect Global Warming, New Study Shows